Today I survived my annual bus stop cold weather initiation. It is a miserable, personal tradition that happens every year around this time. There’s one cold and windy (north wind, obvs) day where I’m on time to catch a bus that is unfortunately early. Fuck. Okay, I’ll wait for the next bus. It’s rush hour so the next one should arrive in ten minutes. Totally not that long to wait. Twenty minutes later I’m freezing, warmed only by the fires of my growing impatience, still waiting because the next bus is late. I’m chilled and annoyed so I climb onto the first bus I see. An express. The bus meanders its way out of downtown, filling up with an ungodly amount of commuters. I’m squashing down any feelings of claustrophobia because there is no way I am getting off of this bus until it’s at my stop. Twenty minutes later, there’s a mass exodus of people streaming out the back door. My foot gets stepped on and someone smacks their backpack into my face. But I’m halfway home and all I have to do is wait a couple minutes for my transfer bus – except it came and went already. Leaving me with a 25 minute wait. Awesome. I spend these 25 minutes watching a series of slow buses drive by across the street, stubbornly refusing to get on one because at this point that would mean giving in. A student at the bus stop, also not dressed for the weather, asks me if I know when the U of M bus is coming. I check the app and pass along the bad news that her bus isn’t coming for twenty minutes either. She looks at me and says sadly “But I’m really cold.” As am I. I have lost feeling in most of my fingers and some of my toes. I’m not impatient or annoyed anymore – I’ve settled into acceptance. I may never be warm again. Finally the bus shows up and I sit down for a few minutes to warm up. I power-walk the 2 minutes from the bus stop to the house, unlocking the door without any sort of dexterity. The cat comes to say hi so I scoop him up to warm my hands. He doesn’t appreciate this.
The funny thing about my bus ordeal is that they are oddly invigorating. It’s a big shock to the system. Which I think I’ve needed. October doldrums have been hitting me hard this year. They sneak up on me every year around this time. It could be the cloudiness, the temperature dropping or the realization that winter will inevitably be upon us, but I have been struggling to get out of bed and to function in general. I try to figure out the cause – it’s probably that I’m too busy. I might need some me time and a long weekend to put me back to normal. Maybe it’s my diet. I’ll start taking a multivitamin and make sure I get more fruits and veggies in my diet. After a while though it becomes clear that I’m in a slump. And I think the problem is that I forget how to winter.
The problem with being in a slump is that it becomes so hard to push yourself out of it. It doesn’t help that both Mike and I have been sick. It’s tiring enough to get through the work day when you’re feeling ill, never mind trying to actively cheer yourself up. Every time I go out of the house, it takes actual mental effort to do it. My inner monologue is a variation of: “Go, it will be fun. You LIKE this person. They’ll probably even cheer you up. Just put your pants on and go.” Eventually after procrastinating as long as possible, I drag myself from my warm, blanketed couch-fort and venture out. As I was looking for ways to motivate myself, I came across someone’s advice. Get up, dress up, and show up. So I’m going to keep it simple and keep saying that mantra to myself. And for the days that I don’t get out of the house, I’m back into knitting. I’ve already made a small blanket. My next project should be mittens – at least if I’m not leaving the house today, I can prepare myself for tomorrow.
If you feel like it, I’d love to hear how you’re doing at this time of year. You can reach me on Twitter, Instagram or leave a comment here. Stay warm, friends.